The Killer Macaw
by fragonknight01
Summary: Severus is forced to teach Harry Potter to become an animagus over the Christmas Holidays. Along the way they both learn lots of new things...some of which no sane person really wants to know.
1. Chapter 1

WARNING: Do not drink blackberry wine then attempt eating a peppermint candy cane before going to bed. You might wind up with more than just a bad dream- the basis for this story. Anyway...

ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS: Harry Potter Universe, Monty Python and the Holy Grail, Madonna's 'Santa Baby', The Anarchist's Cookbook, et al...

DISCLAIMERS; If we owned the HP universe we would not be posting here- we would send it to our agent. Who would then send us a nice big.. Rejection letter most likely. All the bad jokes also belong to others- except the skipping song which belongs to the Fragonknight society.,

RATINGS; R for murder, cheap sex and gratuitous filth.. Have I lost any readers yet? The sex is so cheap you may not even notice it if you blink twice.

Our story begins with: Snape was on the warpath again. He had just come from the old Looney's office and he was slightly more than peeved that once again Dumbledore had managed to get him to do something he did not want to. Mainly, he did not want to waste his precious Christmas break teaching Harry Potter the basics of Animagi.

Hearing sounds of laughter and loud squealing from the Great Hall he made a detour in that direction- probably hoping to take points from Gryffindor and ruin someone else's day for once. Merlin only knows how often his days get ruined.

He cautiously opened the door and looked in. And immediately lost all thoughts of being evil to the children. He could not hold back the laughter that bubbled to the surface as he beheld the sight in the Great Hall.

The Christmas Holidays would be starting tomorrow-but for tonight, Harry Potter and his friends were twirling a jump rope and chanting a jumping song as a line of young children from all four houses squealed excitedly and waited for their turn at the muggle game the half-blood and his mud- blood side-kick were teaching them.

Then he was pushed out of the way as Dumbledore entered the Hall and went straight to the head of the line and began chanting with everyone else:

Tommy Riddle copped a shag

All because he dressed in drag.

Wearing heels and hose of net

How many trannies did he get?

Snape counted along with everyone else: one, two, three, four..

He wanted desperately to join in the fun but refrained. It was difficult, but he managed. He was in awe of the fact that Dumbledore could jump rope that well though.( Especially for an old man wearing a dress.) He was definitely going to have to try it himself- maybe when Potter was at his house. Yeah- that could work. Harry and a house elf could do the rope while he jumped. Maybe this being forced to hang out with Potter would not be so bad after all. And if it did not work to his satisfaction, well, there was always the OBLITERATE spell.

* * *

Christmas vacation had never been so much fun for Severus. Or Harry. The two of them had settled their differences over a few savage games of jump rope and Harry was mastering Occulumency along with the Animagus work. They were friends of sorts. Severus even grinned as he went about humming the jumping song Harry had made up about him in a fit of pique:

Snapey, Snapey, dressed in black

How many muggles did you attack?

One, two, three, four.

Snape was enjoying teaching Potter to become an animagus. They were currently residing at Severus's ancestral home, a beautiful twelfth century castle in Norfolk. The two of them were having a splendid time walking along the beach at low tide and flying around the Quiddich pitch when the tide was in when they were not working or reading by the fire.

Severus had only been working with Harry for a few days when they got the animagus transfiguration down pat. Severus would not admit to anyone that he was also learning new material. It had been loads of fun to turn into a huge beautiful black snake. It was even more fun to chase the bird around the room until it fell panting on his head and began pecking at him.

So Severus changed back into his usual snarky self and threw the bird across the room. Lucky, as usual, Harry landed on the couch. Letting out an ear-piercing squawk, Harry transformed back into himself also. They glared at each other for a few seconds before Harry decided to revert to animagus form to escape the tirade he saw coming.

Sitting on the couch Harry had been using was a beautiful Macaw. A rather large excellent specimen if he did say so himself. So of course he did tell Severus that very thing. The bird launched into a speech aimed at distracting Sev from vengeance.

* * *

And, so, Christmas Eve was upon them before they knew it. The two of them were relaxing, playing Uno and doing shots of butterbeer when their peace was shattered by the intercom buzzing that they had guests.

(Severus found it imminently amusing that muggle technology such as doorbells and security cameras fascinated Voldemort- hence the long drawn out entry procedure whenever the Death Eaters dropped by for some good old- fashioned house elf cooking at Snape Castle.)

Severus glared up at the monitor and swore succinctly. Voldemort's ugly puss was unmistakable and it was way too close to his security camera. He would have to have Buffy the house elf, named after his favorite muggle TV show, clean the damn lens again. Severus shook his head. "Oh shit! There goes the neighborhood."

Harry perked up, "What? Do we have Space Balls on this planet?"

"No, you idiot! We have a dumb, fucking Voldemort at the door."

"And this means we are like totally screwed, right?"

"It means you had better change into your animagus form and then behave yourself, or I will personally give you to Voldemort. He will wring your scrawny neck, pull all of your feathers out, and then eat you for tea during Hogmanay unless he decides to give you to Nagini as a late Christmas morsel."

Harry grinned at him and turned into the Macaw.

He sat on Severus's shoulder and watched as Severus welcomed Voldemort into the compound. He did his best not to burst out laughing as he watched Voldemort then buzz each Death Eater in the party into the compound separately. Harry kept having flashbacks of Monty Python's Holy Grail as he watched Voldie randomly toss Death Eaters into the freezing cold moat.

Finally, everyone was reassembled in the courtyard and then led into the Great Hall. Severus glared at Voldie behind his back for acting like he was lord of the manor.

The glare did not go unnoticed by Harry who then screeched, "Awk, New House." Death Eaters began to glare at him. He glared right back and lowered his head toward Luicus Malfoy. "Awk! New Madam!" A few snickers could be heard before he peered over at Draco Malfoy and Marcus Flint. This time he puffed up slightly before squawking, "New Whores!" And then before anyone recovered from their coughing attacks he spouted, "Hello Voldie." His voice carried across the Great Hall and everyone began snickering at the implied insult: Voldemort visited whorehouses!

Severus decided to ignore the bird since it was so cute. "To what do I owe the honor of this visit, My Lord?" Severus asked wearing his best Christmas sneer.

Lucius was grinning from ear to ear as he answered Severus's question. "We came to show you what my son learned to do." The parrot, now sitting on Voldemort's shoulder, cocked his head until it was upside down, peered intently at Lucius and asked in his annoying voice, "Tied his shoe, awk?"

Draco glared at the parrot, but spoke to Severus. "I have mastered the animagus transformation, Uncle Sev! It is a really cool form. You want to see?" The blond was glowing brighter than the hearth fire.

"Of course, Dragon."

The odd lot of Death Eaters snickered as Draco disappeared and in his place stood a cute little fluffy white bunny... Theodore Nott, Sr., looked at the little rodent type in total confusion. "What the fuck? You dragged us all the way across Britain just to see your idiot kid transform into a rabbit? My son turned into a runespoor and he did not get any recognition."

Lucius gave him an evil glare as he raised his cane warningly. "He is not just any rabbit, you imbecile!"

Nott shook his head in disgust. "Oh spare me." The sneer on his face was just too much for Lucius.

"Draco is a killer; I warn you!"

"You are saying that the cute little fluffy white bunny is a killer." He threw back his head and began to laugh hysterically.

The little rabbit's fur soon became saturated with blood as he sunk his pointy teeth and sharp claws into Nott. When they finally pulled him off, Nott had his throat ripped out and Lucius could be heard to mutter (Just like the old Mr. Malfoy used to do) "They never listen. No! I tried to warn them. But do they listen? No!"

Voldemort finally had to tell him to shut up. Personally, he thought it a rare treat when Lucius used his Scottish accent but it looked like the rest of the Death Eaters were becoming irritated. Lucius stormed over to his usual seat at the head table and sat down. Pouting at everyone else he stuck out his cane and tapped it against the arm of the chair.

While Severus was casting SCOURGIFY on Draco to get him cleaned up, Harry flew over to Lucius and landed on the cane. Lucius growled and glared at the bird. "Get the hell off my cane, you filthy avian." He shook it lightly to get the bird to move.

"Awk! Lucy's a madam." Harry's words irritated the Death Eater and he shook the cane again. This time Harry began bobbing up and down on the cane, extending his neck and acting like a drunken muggle in a disco.

This enraged Lucius to the point he began slinging the cane around wildly shouting for the bird to get off.

Harry locked his wings to his sides and began spinning wildly around the cane until he was finally spun clear from the wood and was launched airborne. He was more than happy that Severus cast a summoning spell and then set him back on his shoulder with the order for him to stay there. He fluffed his wings out and twisting his head upside down as he peered at the smirking Malfoy, he croaked. "What a rush!"

Everyone but Malfoy thought that was funny enough to laugh at. Malfoy just glared at the jewel eyed bird and hissed, "Just where did you get that bloody menace, Sev?"

Severus sneered at Lucius. "I bought him at the Emporium, Lucy." His sexy drawl was laced with sarcasm. "The owner of the pet shop practically gave him to me because he is a filthy mouthed little cretin. And for your information he is a rare breed of Macaw. He isn't just any bloody menace."

Draco, hoping to earn some kudos from his father, said, "A filthy mouthed little cretin, you say? Does that mean his name is Harry Potter?"

Voldemort began cackling loudly at this. "What is his name, Severus?"

Severus grinned, "That is brilliant. Let's see if we can get him to come to the name of Harry." He picked up a piece of fruit and offered it to Harry. "Nice Harry, Want a pear?" He handed it to the bird and thought nothing more of it as he went over to the window to let an owl in that was trying to deliver a message.

Harry darted out the window as the owl flew across the room to Lucius. He could be heard singing, "On my broom again. I can't wait to get on my broom again. Half the fun is throwing hexes at my friends..." As he disappeared into the night.

Everyone looked slightly disappointed as the unscheduled entertainment abruptly ceased. Voldemort especially looked ready to cry. After staring mournfully at the steamed up window for a few seconds he turned to Severus and inquired, "Do you think your bird will return?"

Severus nodded the affirmative. "He probably just went to the owlery. He will be perfectly safe."

"Well, if he comes back bring him to the next meeting. You can show me any new tricks he has learned." He nodded a few times (rather like Dumbledore- it must be a looney old wizard habit) and then continued, "Yes, I definitely approve of your new familiar. He really does brighten up these dreadfully dark robes we wear."

Before he could launch into any more depressing revelations and ruin Christmas Eve completely Severus stood and announced that dinner was ready if his lord and the inner circle would see fit to join him. As Sev sat down he could hear Voldie mumbling quietly to himself about having to wear black robes so that people would not think he wanted to be like Dumbledore.

Severus could not help but murmur a quiet agreement. One never wanted to be associated with Dumbledore if they could help it. After that the party quickly tapered off. It seemed that everyone was eager to go home and have a look through coughTHEIR-cough "SPOUSE's" wardrobe in order to find a more cheerful robe. Or in the case of Crabbe and Goyle, they just intended to run about the house nude and scar(e) the house elves, the rats, mice, cockroaches, and various and sundry other vermin that tends to inhabit abodes lacking the necessary sanitation.

Christmas Day dawned splendidly. Severus had gathered up Harry from the owlery and set off for Malfoy Manor just before daybreak. After collecting Narcissa, who happens to be Sev's cousin, they all apparated to the Artic Circle to watch the Aurora Borealis then had a great magical snow fight. Ciss even did a lovely job singing Santa Baby, much to the delight of Harry who threw himself at her feet and declared he would kill Lucius and marry her himself if only she would keep singing to him.

Severus gave up trying to be remotely snarky when Ciss giggled and pointed out to Harry that he was the same age as her son. Harry willingly agreed that it was true, but just think of all the possibilities: She could train him the way she wanted him... Ciss and Harry both found this so funny that they did not stop laughing until Severus distracted them by putting two penguins under IMPERIUS and making them dance like Ginger Rogers and Fred Astaire.

The three of them decided to get back to the Manor. Ciss decided that since it was Christmas she would whip up a treat for Lucius, who was still upstairs worn out from his fashion show last night. Sev and Harry both perked up at the mention of whips and treats, but they groaned and followed her good naturedly into the kitchen to get on with making the hash- brownies.

Narcissa hummed as she worked, dancing around the kitchen instead of accidoing the ingredients. Whenever her back was turned Sev could be seen adding a few more shredded bits of marijuana to the brownies. Harry, who really was not used to his potions master being likeable, just sat and observed. Occasionally he would make a grab for a candy cane, but Ciss always grabbed them back out of his hands and told him not to eat any of that particular basket.

While Narcissa was pulling the last batch of brownies out of the oven, the three of them heard Lucius coming down the stairs. It was rather hard to miss hearing him sing **Santa Claus is coming to town** since he had cast not only the sonorous on himself, but also hexed his voice to be a bass.

Harry and Severus both dodged into Narcissa's private sitting room. Neither one of the boys wanted to be caught visiting by Lucius even if it was an innocent visit. There was an element in there that just did not mix right when you put death eater, spy, and hero of the light side together.

He swept into the kitchen dressed in a lovely blue and lavender marbled silk robe. It had a splendid mandarin Chinese collar, deep cuffs and it was decorated with white ice dragons that chased each other around the collar, cuffs, and hem. Ciss also spelled the robe to flash ICE MAN every thirty seconds or so. Everyone but the owner of the robe could see the lettering.

He gave her a lovely Christmas kiss that curled her toes and made her upper bits perk up and stick out for some attention. The lower bits were happy too, but they didn't get much say in the matter since they were not allowed out in public. Lucy stole a brownie and hummed softly to himself as he went into Ciss's favorite sitting room to wait for her. She had mumbled something about needing to go upstairs and get changed before they dined.

Lucius's pleasure in the day increased as he nibbled delicately on his brownie. It was utterly delicious and had a wicked herbal aftertaste- just like the tea Severus always served when he hosted DE parties. One always left Severus's house feeling pleasant- a little bit peckish- but pleasant.

His eyesight blurred a little bit around the edges, but that was ok too. After all, it was Christmas, and one should not have to be a DE 24/7 every day of the year.

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	2. Merry Christmas Malfoy Style

Disclaimer: Still not JKR. Have not quit my day job either since I make no money from this...

* * *

First: All the usual disclaimers- JKR, Monty Python, Merlin and God all inspire me. Not necessarily in that order. Nuclear Winter works too. Second: A misquote from Robin Hood Men in Tights; "Edible, Edible? You want Edible? Hire yourself a cook. I'm just the Witch."

**Chapter 2- Merry Christmas - Malfoy style.**

And so the story continues: Lucius had managed to wander into the same room where our two heroes were hiding from him. Now what are we going to do? Well, we could act stupid and pretend we aren't there. Lucy, for sure, was there (at any rate about half there)- sitting in Ciss's favorite overstuffed beanbag chair, watching the Christmas lights reflecting from the tree onto the window. The tree was beautiful as only Cissy could make it.

He blinked twice and dropped his last bite of brownie when he saw the huge black Snape (sorry- I meant snake) crawling around the branches. He jumped up, wand poised, and just as Ciss drifted into the room, he mumbled a spell that changed the lovely snake into a rainbow colored reptile.

Narcissa squealed with delight and clapped her hands in glee. (Imagine a 35 year old cheer leader-yeah that's right! Damn she looks good for 35- and the vapid blond act is always in season.) "Lucy, Darling, that is just incredible! You always know just how to make everything perfect." She cooed affectionately at her dingy blond counterpart who really was not faking it (he really is as dumb as he looks).

The electric pink, orange, Neon green, and blue flashing snake hissed angrily at him in between trying to take nips from the parrot who graced the top of the tree. Lucius squinted slightly as he looked from the snake back at his wife. "What in the hell do you have a ten foot long anaconda in the Christmas tree for anyway?"

"Oh Honey!" Narcissa wrung her hands together delicately as she pouted prettily. Lucius continued to glare at her so she fluttered her eye lashes and hissed almost as vehemently as the snake, "I am tired of that damn son of yours stealing my candy canes. And he lies and blames it on the house elves! The boy positively reeks of peppermint." Her voice ended in a snarl. She then softened her tone a bit and added, "I'm quite sure he said he was not an anaconda."

Lucius shook his head trying to clear it. The idea of candy canes sounded good though so he did not question her explanation. "AND." He cocked his head slightly as he looked at the snake again.

"And I am totally exhausted from having to transfigure cockroaches into candy canes." Ciss hit the perfect wail that was guaranteed to make any head hurt- not just the confused one in front of her. "Please may I keep the snake? He only eats a house elf every six weeks or so."

Their beautiful son, the one and only Malfoy heir, standing in the doorway waiting to be recognized by his loving, caring, sensitive, and dutiful parents turned green at that statement and fled for the water closet. The sound of retching could clearly be heard by anyone- who was listening for it. Too bad for him the only ones caring enough to listen were currently playing tag in the Christmas tree, but only because they wanted something to laugh about later.

"Oh, Ciss! You know I love you. I can never say no to you." Then he mumbled under his breath, "Especially if I don't want AVEDA KADAVARAed while I am wearing one of your flannel nighties." He shivered deliciously at the imagined feel of the lovely fleece against his waxed-and-oiled manly chest.

He was rewarded by a giggly female launching herself at him and the last coherent thought he had was 'she really needs bigger boobs' before he found himself tumbled back down on the bean bag (what else did you think she kept it there for?). Pretty soon he was not worried about boobs at all- Besides, if you want silicone go buy a computer chip.

Harry and Severus managed (quite easily) to escape the room. Harry grinned up at his professor and asked innocently, "You want a sip of this?"

"What do you have Harry?"

"Just a little bit of polyjuice potion."

"Who?" Snape was definitely interested.

"We could change into Narcissa and go help her out in there."

Snape grabbed the vial and added the required hair. Grinning cheekily at Harry he tilted back the potion. And just before sucking down precisely half of it he winked and said, "I get first dibs on Lucy. You can keep Ciss happy for a few minutes can't you?"

Harry nodded solemnly. "I can."

All we can say is that time flies when you are having fun, folks! As for Lucius, well, him and his three wives finally decided that after they had finished the pan of brownies that they needed to go out into the garden and get some fresh air. They really were quite tired after all the bedroom gymnastics and felt a little exercise on a real broomstick could be fun. So, Lucius was doing some of his low flying tricks while his appreciative audience cooed and clapped at his ever-so-clever stunts.

We also know that it is at times like this that Murphy's Law kicks in. Whatever can go wrong will go wrong- unless of course it was already wrong. In which case it just gets messed up even more. Which happened in the form of Lucius's Death Eater mark flaring to life with a pain all its own. He crashed his broom and sat there crying for a few minutes until all three of his wives kissed various booboos several times.

"Why does he have to ruin my Christmas? And this was the bestest Christmas ever." Lucius finally managed to mumble as he stood up and shook his robes out.

Narcissa-Narcissa-and Narcissa finally talked him into going to the DE meeting. "Honey, if you don't go soon he will be ever so angry and then you will have to spend days in bed recovering. You will miss work! You really have to go soon."

Lucius growled some profane words that I will not repeat (mainly because I did not catch them all) and disapparated with a crack. All three Narcissas looked at each other blankly as the real Narcissa whispered, "Oh Merlin! He went to a meeting and he does not have his cape and mask."

Severus shook his head. "Cloak, Ciss. Not a cape."

Harry blinked a few times as the polyjuice potion wore off. "Sev, do you think we ought to go help him?"

Narcissa nodded to the two of them. "Yes, let's go up and get his cape and mask. Maybe if you take it to him he won't get into too much trouble." The three of them raced in the house and up the stairs. Narcissa flung an extra set of gear at Severus and sighed as he put it on. She looked at Harry and shook her head, "Doesn't he just look so handsome dressed up!"

Harry gave Ciss a quick kiss on the cheek and nodded. "Yeah. Thanks for having me over. It has been a fabulous Christmas." Then he and Sev were running back out of the house so they could apparate to where the rest of the Death Eaters were meeting.

Narcissa waved mistily at the retreating duo, which now consisted of a Death Eater with a parrot on his shoulder. When they were safely away she wandered back down stairs and summoned a house elf to go find her son for her. She was feeling a bit peckish again and wanted someone to eat pickles- and-peanut butter sandwiches with.

~*~*~

Lucius apparated at the edge of the wards surrounding the Riddle House and rushed up to the door. He glared at the Death Eater guarding the door and demanded entrance. The Death Eater looked pointedly at Lucius's attire and had the nerve to ask, "A bit under dressed aren't you, Mister Malfoy?"

"Bloody overgrown snake is lucky I am even here. Bastard totally ruined my Christmas present." With that he stormed into the house and into the Great Hall where everyone else was.

"It is so nice to see you could join us, Lucius." Voldemort glared at him while hissing. He lost the thread of the conversation as he noticed another Death Eater entering the room, this one wearing a parrot, (IT'S NOT A BLOODY PARROT) a macaw! "Oh, Severus, it is so good of you to come. And you brought Harry with you, splendid!"

"I am sorry, My Lord. I had to retrieve him from the owlry or I would have been here sooner."

"Quite all right. I did ask you to bring him." Voldemort turned back to Lucius and his glare returned. "As for you..."

"Well, to tell you the truth, I was kind of busy and really did not want to show up here at all." Lucius glared right back at his supposed master.

"And what could be so important that you could not dress properly for this meeting?" Voldemort was working himself up to a frothing rage.

"It's not like anyone here does not know who the hell I am anyway." Lucius was spitting with fury. "You call me away from my lovely wifes (deliberate misspelling here) and you expect me to wear ugly old black rags on Christmas Day?"

"Yes, I do expect you to dress in your ugly old black rags, Lucius." Voldie was back to hissing.

"You know what I think!" Lucius shouted. He was totally out of control as he shrieked at Tommy. "I don't know why you want to dress in stupid black rags anyway. Everybody here knows who I am. The only thing they have not seen me do is take a piss in front of you all."

He turned around to glare at everyone as he said this. "Well, here you go. You can see Lucius Malfoy take a piss and then everyone can go home happy today." As he whipped out little Malfoy, Severus added an engorging charm just so Voldie would get even more jealous of the blond than he already was. Spinning around in a circle, pissing on everyone who did not have the sense to step back, Lucius began laughing wildly as he chanted, "Weeeee.. Weeeee."

Poor old Voldemort was so appalled that he slumped down in his chair and waited until the elder Malfoy was finished. "Now that that is done, may we continue with the meeting?" His voice just was not as enthusiastic as usual for some strange reason. (wink, wink)

Lucius glared at him. "I don't want to get my robes all dirty, may I be excused?"

Voldemort returned his glare. "You will stay right there until I can think up a hex bad enough to punish you with. You have gone way over the top this time you. Blond. YOU!" The last word was shrieked.

Lucius scratched his head thoughtfully. "I saw this muggle TV show where a guy was turned into a cow and then he was excused. You could do that, yeah?"

Voldemort was in such an apoplectic state at this point that he bellowed, "SHUT UP!"

Lucius shrugged and mumbled, "I was just trying to help."

Voldemort turned to Severus and bade him come closer. "What have you taught your familiar Severus?"

"Well, My Lord, you did ask me to teach him some new tricks. So after you lot cleared out of my home" and then mumbled "and after it was cleaned up."

"What was that?" Voldie was quite clearly losing all control.

"I apparated to Diagon Alley and visited Ollivanders Wand Shop. I found a wand that looks just like Harry Potters and I taught my little boy here how to use it." As he spoke he gave his 'little boy' a wand that he had managed to pull out of the sleeve of his robe.

Severus looked the macaw straight in the eyes and said, "Show Lord Voldemort your new trick Harry."

Everyone's attention swiveled to the bird as it took the wand in one foot and raised it, wings outspread to balance as he peered at Voldie. "Aveda Kadavara!" He said in a clear cold voice.

The curse caught the Dark Lord square in the chest and his beady red eyes flared wide open in shock as it took effect. He was staring at the bird in horror and totally missed Severus chanting the soul binding curse that would lock him away forever in a pet rock that was lying on the mantle.

Lucius was the first one to rush forward and began to enthusiastically embrace his cousin by marriage. "Well Done Severus! Now let's go home and continue our lovely party!"

Everyone else felt compelled to offer his or her felicitations also. After all, it really was bad form for Voldie to call them all out on a holiday without any monetary compensation (if you were a muggle lover) or financial remuneration (if you were a wizard fascist pig). At any rate they all thought it was high time they unionized to demand better pay, better working conditions, and less violence on the job. Voldemort passing away fitted in with their plans rather nicely.

Before anyone could leave to go on their way they were all quite shocked to hear Severus say, "Well, Harry, what say you we go show Fudge our new trick? And if that works maybe we can go visit Dumbledore."

The parrot bobbed it's head a few times while speaking, "AWK! What a rush!"

* * *

Okay so assuming we don't blow ourselves up, and we don't find any more plot bunnies, we only have to worry about California breaking away from the U.S. to go hang with can come too. THE END!!!


	3. Boxing day already?

Disclaimer: Still not JKR. Have not quit my day job either since I make no money from this...

* * *

Chapter 3: Boxing Day already?

And so the story drags on even further: Severus and Harry stood in the foyer of Malfoy Manor. They would have liked to return to Snape Castle and spend the rest of the Christmas hols quietly but all three Malfoys were making it difficult to escape. Lucius was currently French kissing Snape in between whispering sweet nothings as he tried to persuade Sev and Harry to stay and drink some more polyjuice potion.

Harry was not being neglected either. Ciss decided that she really should (in the interests of furthering his education etc...) train him in the manly arts of pleasing a female. So far she had introduced him to the bedroom, the living room, the kitchen, the bath, the library, (What the hell was she doing dragging him into the laundry room?) et al... She was currently working on showing him how to take his leave properly. Harry was more of the opinion that he was being raped in public by a sex-crazed gorgeous woman- Yep- life doesn't get much better than this!

Severus and Lucius both stopped what they were doing and began to watch intently as Narcissa finally managed to get Harry's shirt undone and began investigating his lightly muscled (Everyone tells me Quiddich is good for getting one in shape) chest with her hands, mouth and lovely little white teeth. There was not a great deal to explore but she was being thorough.

Draco chose that moment to come in from playing out in the snow with his pet ice dragon. His mouth fell slightly open as he watched Harry being um-EDUCATED-um? He knew better than to argue though when his mother looked up at him and said, "Are you going to help me or not?"

One thing Draco loves to do is help his mother. He loves his mother. She smells of gardenias. Oh never mind.... At any rate, Draco soon found himself transfiguring his cloak into a nice big hot tub and needless to say Severus and Harry's departure was delayed by several hours. Especially since Severus drank more polyjuice potion (this time with a hair from Ginny Weasley) and educated both Lucius and Draco on the finer points of why exactly there were so many Weasleys.

It seems that Harry already knew why. He eventually showed Ciss what the Weasley boys know. No one was really surprised when Lucius and Narcissa both instructed Draco to make friends with the younger Weasleys and invite them round for tea...... Lucius and Narcissa cuddled in bed later and giggled about visiting Arthur and Molly.

~*~*~

Severus and Harry finally managed to escape from Malfoy Manor. Harry personally couldn't figure out what all the rush was about but then he is about 20 years younger than Severus. He also remembered to take his pepper- upper potion (and Sev's share as well!)

The two of them decided that they probably should go back to Hogwarts and meet with Albus Dumbledore. Obviously there was going to be reams of paperwork to fill out, press conferences to give, guest appearances on Witches Tonight hosted by Cho Chang and Marietta Edgecombe, and finally they had to register as Animagi at the Ministry of Magic: Face it folks, our heroes are booked up well into next year.

Harry got tired of trying to keep up with Severus's long strides as he practiced his post-Christmas swoop through the castle. He turned back into a macaw and landed on Sev's shoulder for a free ride. (Everyone knows there is no such thing as a free ride but we will talk about Sev demanding payment later.)

They managed to make it up to the Headmaster's office with no problems. But once again Murphy's Law was activated. That dang law causes more problems than Fluffy the three-headed dog. And Sev can attest to the fact that he causes problems.

The Headmaster was drunk off his ass, naked as the day he was born, and drilling McGonagall through the desk. Harry gave an enraged squawk and passed out. Severus caught him just before he looked over at the desk and saw the one sight that could possibly make him sicker than watching Voldemort belly dancing.

Severus grabbed his robe up to cover his face and stumbled back down the steps. After hexing the gargoyle (who was laughing hysterically at the success of his joke) he conjured an OUT-OF-ORDER sign and hung it on the door before enervating poor Harry. He and Harry were both deathly sick as they staggered down to the dungeons where they promply obliterated each other.

They decided that they could probably use an early night since they were both mentally and physically exhausted. Harry borrowed a pair of Sev's flannel pajama bottoms and the two of them slid into Sev's big old California King.

And then came the dream...

_Two aliens were driving by in their big battleship. Suddenly one of them looked up through the viewer, which he had not been paying attention to due to his lunch break. "Dude that is a sweet Earth!" He said._

_A voice across the room asked, "Round?"_

_"Negative." Replied the alien._

_"Carry on Henry." (1)_

Snape woke up, covered in sweat, his nerves raw from dreaming about the space ship. He knew his fear was irrational, after all he had been one of Voldemort's most trusted Death Eaters, but he just could not shake the fear that Darth Vader was real. He knew he should not have snuck into the muggle movie theater all those years ago. He just knew that Death Stars and Galactic Battle ships were REAL and they were out there...

Unable to go back to sleep he decided he would do something constructive. Except, there really is not much to do which could be considered constructive at 4:00 A.M. So he settled for the next best thing.

Harry woke up due to a rather LARGE...BOA slithering over him. He was totally unfocused to begin with. It was perfectly natural to try rolling over while moaning, "Not now, Narcissa. I'm just too tired."

The angry hiss that followed that bit of nonsense had Harry jerking upright and staring at the huge snake. He grabbed his chest and panted for several seconds before he managed, "Damn you, Snape! Why are you bothering me at," he took the time to chant TEMPUS and check the time, "4:10 A.M. Sev! Why are you up at this time?" His voice tapered off to a nice whine.

Snape hissed that he could not sleep and wanted to play. Since his form of a snake was perfect for exploring the dungeons he was headed out. Did Harry want to go with him?

It really was rather strange to see the snake gliding along with the bird flying just above him. Most of the portraits were asleep so they did not notice. However, there are always one or two portraits that just don't do what they are supposed to. Salazar Slytherin and Godric Gryffindor were those two.

Harry heard Slytherin shriek in surprise and turned around to see why. Sal was pointing at him and muttering, "How does she bloody well do that?"

The macaw landed on a statue standing caddy-corner to the painting the two men were in. "Does what?" His beady green eyes glared at the tall dark haired wizard.

Slytherin glared at the bird then turned back around to wave his hands in the air and shout at Gryffindor, "Look at them. Rowena has managed to turn back into her bird form and Helga is slithering around again. Why are we stuck here as portraits and they get to have all the fun?" Snape came back and rose up in front of the portrait. "Do you have a form?" He finally hissed at the two drunks.

Salazar puffed out his chest, "I was a giant fruit bat!"

Godric hiccupped lightly and sniggered, "You are still a fruit! And batty! Now I was a real animagus." He wove around unsteadily until he found a comfortable spot with his backside on the ground. "I was a real animagus, I was. I could turn into a big black dog." His head was still bobbing lightly as he nodded at the snake. "You remember me don't you Helga? You used to like it when I came to your chambers and changed into my doggy form."

Harry gagged. "Too much information! Awk!"

Godric Gryffindor tried to focus his blood shot eyes on the macaw and the snake, but did not manage to do more than make his head hurt worse. "I don't know Sal, but she still has that tongue thing down pat." The snake was currently tasting the air next to Godric's ear and he began to squeal and swat at it.

They left the two drunken men to argue about whether or not it was possible for a portrait to recreate magic. The macaw thought it was funny that his odious git of a potions master, supreme sex god of the Slytherins, was the embodiment of a Hufflepuff.

They were headed down into the depths of the dungeons where it was rumored that Helga Hufflepuff had a secret garden where plants had been genetically modified to produce huge tomatoes: red, ripe, juicy- so much so that one bite and a vampire was cured. They were so delectable that they were rumored to even break the curse of a werewolf if the animal ingested it.

There was no such place, but it sure was a hell of a lot of fun exploring...

~*~*~

Albus beamed happily at everyone gathered around the table at lunchtime. For some strange reason Minerva refused to look either Severus or Harry in the eye. She probably had visions of poor little Harry being introduced to the subject of sex by seeing two pairs of skinny hairy naked legs and a saggy wrinkled old butt flexing energetically- probably looked like a cat shaking a dead mouse. (YUCH- wrong visual, Minerva.)

Severus finally asked her if she was feeling OK. She nodded vigorously and decided that since the two of them were not acting peculiar also they must have already cast the obliterate on each other. She relaxed and began to sip her tea.

Albus was not quite as circumspect as his ladylove. "So, my boy, what did you need to talk to me about when you came up to my office yesterday evening?" He waggled his eyebrows at Severus, but it had little effect since the event in question no longer existed in the mind of one Severus Snape.

"I don't really remember, Albus. Harry and I were rather exhausted when we came back from Malfoy Manor and went straight down to the dungeons and went to sleep."

Albus cocked his head slightly as if listening to some music only he could hear. (That happens a lot with him- voices and such, you understand.) "Has someone cast an obliterate on you two?"

Minerva looked at the boys again as their memories were restored. She shrieked in anguish as Harry turned green and jumped up to run for the nearest water closet.

Snape looked at Albus, "You just HAD to remind me didn't you?" Albus smirked a little, "Perhaps..."

Severus was slightly paler than usual as he turned to Minerva, "If you would, please?"

Minerva performed the obliterate very efficiently then turned to her significant other. "If you ever do that again I shall turn into a cat permanently and go live with Filch and Mrs. Norris."

The madly twinkling blue eyes dimmed slightly. "Minnie, honey!" He watched closely but saw no softening on her position. "Yes, dearest one." There was no getting around She-Who-Must-Be-Obeyed.

He turned back to Severus. "Well, then my boy, now that lunch has been taken care of how about you go find Harry and bring him up to my office. "I should like to hear all about how the two of you disposed of Mr. Riddle as a threat."

Severus nodded. "That would be fine Sir. I will go fetch him. We should be there shortly." Then he looked up at Albus, a hint of confusion gracing his normally stern visage. "There was a question before you leave Headmaster."

Albus looked over at Minerva a bit of fear flickered before turned back to Severus and nodded. "Yes, Severus?"

"I was wondering about what the children would be like if the God of Death married the Keeper of Time and they....?"

Albus blinked, focused his eyes on Snape, then blinked again. "I shall have to research that one, my boy." He was heard muttering something about clocks to die for as he twiddled his beard and wandered out the door.

~*~*~

Harry ran straight to Poppy after he finished praying to the porcelain god. Poppy, bless her, had obliterated the young man no questions asked and then suggested to him that he might want to make his way down to the kitchens to get some food from Dobby. After all, he had had a really trying day and a growing boy really does need to keep his strength up. Harry hugged her as thanks and retraced his steps to the dungeons.

Severus found Harry in the kitchens surrounded by house elves. "Harry?"

Harry smiled happily at his comrade and motioned him over. "Sev, have you ever met Dobby?"

The wizard bowed slightly to the house elf and waited patiently for the little guy to calm down. He set the elf off again by mentioning that his old master, Lord Malfoy, had inquired about him. The other house elves at the Manor wanted him to come visit when he got a day off.

They finally escaped the kitchens and headed up to the Headmaster's office. As they walked along Severus began humming the tune to the latest Weird Sisters hit. Soon Harry joined in singing the words.

_**Down in the dungeons **_

_**Down in the dungeons **_

_**Wizards put me down 'cause that's**_

_**The part of the castle I live in. **_

_**Well I hex them, and they curse me **_

_**That's the way it is in wizards society **_

_**Merlin have mercy on a wizard down in the dungeons. (2)**_

They sang the tune a few more times before reaching the spiral staircase. The gargoyle saw them coming and leapt out of the way. Severus eyed it on the way past and snarled, "What the hell happened to you?"

The gargoyle meeped and stayed out of the way.

Albus greeted them from behind his desk, eyes twinkling madly again. Before they could ask to sit down he had conjured up two lovely plush arm chairs and bade them be seated. "Now, would you like a cuppa' before we start? Lemon drop? Memory charm?" Then the old coot snickered!

Severus looked at the dirty old pervert and shook his head. "Let's just get the rest of the Ministry here so we don't have to go over this again, yes?"

Five minutes later all the Ministry people who were necessary for the interrogation were present. Minister Fudge demanded that both men involved be administered Veritaserum and then the proceedings began. Amelia Bones, acting in capacity as Court Administrator, began questioning them on the events leading up to and culminating with the subsequent demise of the Dark Lord.

Severus had a great deal of fun projecting several scenes for everyone's viewing pleasure. There were a few ill people when it was pointed out that Fudge was licking his lips as Malfoy Jr. made his debut into wizarding society. Overall, it was a positive meeting.

Except for the fact that Fudge insisted that he take Severus and Harry into protective custody since they were technically illegal animagus. Before they were escorted out the door by Aurors, Severus gave Mad-eye Moody a new pet rock and told him to take good care of it until he came back.

And so endeth another era in the history of Wizardry. It is now official that Mr. Tom M. Riddle is deceased. The funeral will be held at Hogwarts and any magical beings wishing to pay him a last vist may view the body as it lies in state in the Great Hall and sign the condolences book located just to the right of the great doors.

One dementor was heard asking another, "What's with the fireworks?"

!. Parts lifted from a Nuclear Winter spoof found on the internet and also nods to **Carry on Henry**.

2. Parody of the song, "Down in the boondocks". Since it is country music I really don't know much mure about it...


	4. Release me: I need to party!

Chapter 4: Release us- we need to go party.

The story seems to have more staying power than the Energizer Bunny and the Malfoy's put together. Or, maybe the Energizer Bunny is an ancestor of the Malfoy's- at any rate- they just keep going and going and going. Maybe we will find the answer to that question later.

Our heroes have been taken away by Fudge and his goons and they are currently locked up in the Ministry of Magic's holding cells somewhere deep in the Auror department. Mad-eye Moody, Kingsley Shackelbolt, and Nymphadora Tonks have been asked to stay and chat with the Headmaster on how they could possibly get Severus and Harry out of the clink.

Finally, Nymphadora has an intelligent idea, "Let's call Narcissa and ask her and Lucius what they think. Ciss, at least, really is quite brilliant! Runs in the family you know." This from a woman who likes to morph into purple hair and a pig snout?

Dumbledore's eyes began to glitter like a fire fly parade. "That could be just what we need to do." He nodded several times (dotty old wizards tend to do that.)

Soon the delectable scent of gardenias filled the office as Narcissa fluttered about the room greeting everyone and then plonked down on Mad-eye Moody's lap and squealed, "Grandpa! How are you? Do you have any pressies for me?"

The ugly of geezer smiled at his granddaughter and handed her a small package of something he pulled out of one of the inner pockets of his cloak.

She giggled softly as she whispered a thanks to him.

Moody glared at everyone in the room staring at them then turned to Lucius, "Come get this silly girl off me before I turn you both into ferrets like that Barty Crouch boy did that blasted grandson a few years ago."

Lucius looked slightly ill at ease. "Yes, Sir. Sorry, Sir!" (Can you imagine him in a United States Marine Embassy suit? Damn but that man is a sex god.) He took his wife and arranged her on his lap where her wiggling would not do too much damage to his concentration.

The group went back to discussing what they could do to break the two out of jail long enough to register as Animagi since that was the only thing that Fudge was holding them on. After several stupid ideas were presented by the really intelligent men of the group, Lucius began to laugh loudly at the memory of his Christmas present- for some reason the idea of three wives just like the one he had would not leave his head. He finally managed to gasp out just what was so funny.

While everyone else looked on in various stages of irritation, Dumbledore began to giggle with him. "That is a splendid idea my boy! Just let me pop down to Severus's rooms to see if he has anymore polyjuice potion and we can be on our way."

~*~*~

Narcissa Malfoy is utterly beautiful. Any man in his right mind would jump at the chance to shag her. Therefore, when Narcissa Malfoy waltzed into his office and leaned across him so that her delectable bosom was hovering near his face, Minister Fudge (in the middle of one of his fantasies again) slid his chair back and pulled her down to his lap. The couple was soon showing some moves that only experience (lots of it) can produce.

It was therefore with a slight bit of horror that several aurors crashed into Fudge's office and caught him and Mrs. Malfoy copulating on a tiger skin rug. Everyone was suitably ill when the real Mrs. Malfoy, who had demanded that they go see Minister Fudge immediately, began sobbing and pointing at the fake Mrs. Malfoy and jabbering about how she and Lucius had flooed in to his office and they had been met by someone who had stupefied both of them and had cut off some of her hair then left them there!

Minister Fudge was horrified to find that he had been caught doing the down- and-dirty with Lord Malfoy's wife! Not only did Malfoy not share his toys with him, Mrs. Fudge was now standing in the room glaring at her errant husband. He was in deep shit!

~*~*~

Meanwhile, down in the dungeons, a cute little fluffy white bunny was busy hopping from cell to cell looking for the Hogwarts Potions Master and the Savior of the Wizarding world. He occasionally stuck his head inside random cells and bared his teeth at the occupants. Those not smart enough to show fear immediately soon saw the light, or the dark, or was that their own blood? At any rate, Draco was enjoying his mission and was dragging it out to cause as much havoc as possible.

Harry saw Draco first and quick as lightning he shifted into his macaw form and began flying around screeching, "AWK! It's a killer! AWK! It's a killer! AWK!" at the top of his lungs. Draco soon found them and slipped into the cell with them. He changed back into Draco just long enough to explain to them that they needed to go upstairs to Animagus Registry and turned back into a bunny.

The three of them made quite a sight as they raced through the halls: a cute little fluffy white bunny being chased by a huge black snake while a macaw flew overhead and screeched , "Lunch time!" Most everyone was laughing too hard to impede their progress.

It was only a few minutes work for the three of them to register as animagi and declare their forms. They had to prove they could change back and forth with no problems, fill out the standard forms in blue and black ink in triplicate and submit it to the committee which meets once every third blue moon if it falls on a Wednesday. No problemo! It could have been a bit more tedious except Minerva McGonagall had transfigured the regular department employee into a rat while she expedited the paperwork for the three.

The employee, a certain Mr. Avery, was never found after that. The macaw and the bunny were heard to grumble that they had to miss lunch while they registered, but the big greasy Snape, (Sorry, I mean snake) got fed.

~*~*~

Even closer to the surface, the scandal in the Ministers office is almost over. Minister Fudge and the juiced up Mrs. Malfoy were soon back in their clothes and (unfortunately) their right minds. The real Narcissa demanded that everyone stay until the polyjuice had worn off so that there would be no nasty gossip slung at her later!

Moody was more than happy to stay to see who this imposter was: Someone was going to pay for embarrassing his family! He was as shocked as everyone else when Dolores Umbridge regained her usual, incredibly revolting form.

Fudge and Umbridge both began screaming like girls (no offense girls- but we really do scream nicely on occasion). They were so loud that they both missed Shackelbolt murmuring, FINITE INCANTUM at Dolores.

"What induced you to come into my office and seduce me, you horrid woman?" Fudge was totally indignant and bent on saving his neck. (Or ass. Either is a good self-righteous cause.)

Dolores broke down in tears and began sobbing out a wild (which probably meant it was true) story about how Albus Dumbledore had entered her office and put her under the IMPERIOUS. He had then directed her to drink the polyjuice potion and go have sex with Minister Fudge. Her lovely tear- drenched blue eyes had little effect on everyone present.

However, she made a fatal tactical error by criticizing Headmaster Dumbledore in front of his lovely wife Minerva. Minerva, still feeling pleased with the success of her part of the plan, had entered the scene of chaos in time to hear Dolores vilifying her beloved.

"I will teach you to lie about my husband, you filthy old toad!" Minerva roared. She waved her wand at the hapless woman and chanted a phrase in Egyptian that no one had ever heard before.

In front of the bemused audience was a huge head of lettuce where Dolores Umbridge once stood. Severus Snape, back in human form, was heard to comment to his macaw and bunny, "See there! Minerva did remember to feed you!"

It is amazing how fast a rabbit and a macaw can consume a head of lettuce. Minerva looked around at the rest of the assembled audience as the rabbit belched. "Don't start blaming me for her death. I would have changed her back but once the animals started eating it was just kinder to let them finish."

Fudge looked at the clean floor, the well-fed pets, and then back to Dumbledore and his entourage. "What the hell just happened here?"

Albus Dumbledore sighed as he looked at Minister Fudge. "You were with Ms. Dolores Umbridge just a few minutes ago. However, she seems to have disappeared."

Fudge blinked a few times then looked around at the rest of the people in his office. "What are you all doing in my office? I want everyone out of here right now." As they headed for the door Fudge saw Snape bend over and pick up the bunny and cuddle it. He was mesmerized as Snape's long artistic fingers caressed behind the rabbits ears. He watched as the rabbit sighed, closed his eyes, and began clicking his teeth together in contentment.

It finally dawned on him that Snape was supposed to be locked up down in the holding cells. He glared at the tall imposing man and demanded to know, "Why are you out of your cell? You are supposed to be locked up, you Death Eater trash! You and that vile little Potter brat! Where is he anyway?"

Albus, who had been making his way to the door retuned to Fudge. "Minister, you should not get so excited about Professor Snape and Mr. Potter. They have both been down to the Animagus Registry office and have been granted their freedom by the Auror division. You could probably go down and find that Mr. Avery has already filed the forms. There really is no need to hold them any longer."

Fudge could not argue with that logic so he huffed and puffed a bit before letting Snape and his pets vacate the building. He was placated slightly by Headmaster Dumbledore inviting him to a small Quidditch match to be held the day after everyone returned to school following the holidays. He would get to sit in the Headmasters private box where everyone could see him- he considered whether there was enough time to contact his tailor.

As everyone was leaving the building Fudge's voice could be heard booming through the hallways, "Shackelbolt! Have you seen either Ms. Umbridge or Mr. Avery lately." Shackelbolt cast a sonorous on the Minister so the departing guests could hear the rest of it. "I want to speak to both of them as soon as possible. There has got to be something I can do to neutralize the threat that Dumbledore and his crowd pose to the ministry."

Auror Shackelbolt was heard to say that he would begin searching immediately for the missing ministry employees. Not to worry though, they probably were probably doing lunch somewhere. ~*~*~

Harry and Draco could be seen giving each other high-fives for the rest of the day whenever they burped up lettuce. For those of you who want to know about a snake's digestive habits- I suggest you read a book.

At the end of the day everyone was back at Hogwarts; safe, sound, and happy! After a small feast in the Great Hall everyone returned to their respective abodes (all except Harry and Draco who went down to the dungeons with Sevvie).


	5. UhOh

Disclaimers: Yeah, I know. JKR would have done better with books 6 and 7 if she had followed our fanfiction ideas more closely... But, it's you all's fault because you did not let her know she could borrow from you- like I did!

* * *

Chapter 5: UH-OH

Our story picks up at: It has been three days since the boys disappeared down into the dungeons. They have not been seen since. So in order to appease the panicking masses, Lucius Malfoy has gallantly volunteered to go check up on them.

The first thing Lucius noticed was that the doors were very heavily warded and soundproofed. Ah, well, what are a few spells to a fully trained, determined Death Eater? The first spell left him looking like he was wearing a pink furry suit, the second made his hair stand on end and the third spell had him screaming like a girl because he suddenly realized that he was now a life-sized version of the pink panther after finishing the fluff cycle of the dryer. (Insert the Pink Panther theme tune now if you know it. If not take a commercial break and go watch Pink Panther cartoon.)

Like any real sane man he ran screaming back up the steps to find his wife. It was his belief that Narcissa could fix anything that went wrong- and his appearance was definitely wrong.

Lucky for him, Narcissa was standing in the Great Hall casting SCOURGIFY spells because she was of the opinion that the Hogwarts house elves were not up to par with the cleaning. She took one look at her frizzy husband and shook her head. "Why, in the name of all that is magic, do you insist on wearing those stupid Halloween costumes that Severus owns?"

"Cissy," he wailed. "I swear I wasn't dressing up! I went down to see what the boys were doing and they hexed the door."

She rolled her eyes. "FINITE INCANTUM," she muttered. Her husband was back to being his usual beautiful self. "I don't know why you can't learn that spell yourself. It must be some stupid man thing!" Her chastisement too loved to be of serious consequence

He grabbed her and swung her up into his arms. "Sod finding out what the boys are doing. Why don't you and I find a nice quiet spot and ruin the ambiance?"

"I knew there was a reason I married you." They did not manage to take more than two steps before they lost track of where they were, in favor of what they could be doing. They definitely managed to delay dinner by several hours because no one wanted to interrupt the amorous couple. (Personally, for us jealous types- we'd call it oversexed. But, who are we to complain?)

The boys finally emerged from their self-imposed isolation. Mainly because Mad-Eye Moody saw what was happening and wanted in on the action. They had found a computer game called M & M's: The Lost Formula and modified it to work at Hogwarts. They had called in a technical expert, a muggle who operated under the hacker name of Ratty Baggins (Self-insertia here- all the facts are correct. Disclaimer: Ratty does not qualify as a Mary Sue and does not have his own action figure-yet.) He was showing them how to get through the game. Moody became enthralled with the little M&M guy falling in the chocolate and yelling UH-OH just before he vanished. He also decimated the boy's stash of marshmallow peeps. (American Muggle Easter candy- back in the 1990's they come in three colors: pink, yellow and blue.) Moody, being a manly-man, had no sense of shame as he ate his way through whatever was there-color be damned.

Draco was the first to give up after trying to dislodge his great- grandfather from the computer. It was impossible though, the old man was adamant in regards to playing, eating and hexing anyone trying to get him away from the computer. And he was doing all three very nicely, thank you. (Fragonknight02 at this moment had a vision of Master Snape doing an Irish Jig while wearing a kilt. Must have been an IMPERIOUS. We would appreciate a gust of wind right about now.)

The other two followed shortly thereafter. They went upstairs and eventually interrupted the affectionate part-veela couple in order to eat dinner at the table. Narcissa giggled helplessly as Severus Snape held her husband at wand-point and made him SCOURGIFY the entire hall.

(How he managed this feat is unknown, but congratulations to him. Drinks all around!)

Never mind that, they were back to being friends within hours. Lucius did eventually admit that the hall needed a good going over, and had the audacity to smirk at his glowing little wife as he said it.

That same wife was heard murmuring to Harry later that she hoped he would keep up with his lessons and not forget anything she had taught him so far. Harry just giggled and patted Draco on the knee. She took that to mean that he would indeed stay in practice.

Draco did not bother to tell his mother that the two of them were far too busy to waste oodles of time on sexual exploits. They had a whole castle full of people to terrorize, Quidditch to practice, food to eat, potions to brew and any number of more useful pursuits. (Let's face it- someone overloaded the heroes social calendars again.)

Dinner had finished around nine and no one really wanted to go to bed yet. Lucius was feeling pleasantly tired from his successful afternoon and wanted to stay in and unwind. Narcissa wanted to go out so she rounded up the girls and they all went down to Hogsmeade to go pub crawling. That is why, a bit later, when Albus went looking for his two favorite spies from the war he found them in Severus's private rooms. Severus and Lucius are lounging around in the dungeon, relaxing and catching up on the good old days.

"Things really have calmed down a bit since the death of the Dark Lord hasn't it, Severus?" Lucius brushed a few strands of hair back from his face before squinting slightly and very carefully placing the needle into the little hole of his counted cross stitch.

Severus looked up from the jumper he was knitting and grinned at his friend. "Actually I don't miss the robe-kissing, thinking up outrageous lies, and malicious hexes that the sodding old snake used to subject us to. I suppose it would be nice to have a decent dual with a few aurors, but I think we could just have Dumbledore hold a dueling tournament for us."

Lucius sighed and held the sampler he was doing. "I think I am going to miss some of the muggle technology though. I mean, wizards don't usually do counted cross stitch. I would never have known how much fun this is if we had not gone on that last raid."

Severus nodded but kept counting his purl stitches. He looked up at Lucius and snickered. "You mean you are going to miss him miscalculating where to apparate. Seeing the confused look on his face when we landed in that craft shop was priceless."

"Well, we did end up in some pretty strange places. The Hippodrome was fun as hell-who'd have thought gay night was such a riot? I think the highlight of his incompetence though was ending up in the hardware store." Lucius sighed and readjusted the throw rug tucked around his feet, trying to keep the cold draft from the dungeon floor away. He finally gave up and curled his feet underneath him on the chair.

Severus almost fell out of his chair as he howled with laughter. "Yeah! I had forgot about that. That was the time McNair picked up that big axe he carries around wasn't it? I can still see Voldies face as McNair started cursing him and swinging that damn thing around."

The two of them had finally settled back down and were working in a companionable silence when the fire blazed up and Albus Dumbledore's head appeared. He looked around before calling to Severus. "Severus, my boy, I have been looking everywhere for you."

Severus's face turned red and he tried to jam his knitting down in the side of the chair. He glared at Albus for a minute then snarled, "I thought I told you never to fire call me on Wednesday nights."

Albus scratched his chin thoughtfully and nodded a few times (dotty old wizards tend to do that). "Yes, my boy, I do recall you mentioning that before now that you mention it again."

Lucius just glared at him and went back to work on his sampler. He was determined to finish it in time to present it to Narcissa on the occasion of their anniversary. He just knew that she would love the picture: doves holding a twisted ribbon, wedding rings entwined, with their names and bonding date stitched on- just as the picture showed. After that he had to get Draco's birth sampler done.

(Face it, he was over-booked too. He was going to need every moment if he intended to get all this done.

Fragonknight03: Who the hell keeps doing these bookings anyway?

Fragonknight02: Ease up!

Fragonknight01: They are only wizards! All they have to do is borrow someone's time turner. It's not like they don't have all year-all year.)

Severus continued to glare. Albus telling him to continue with his knitting did not do anything for his temper. He refused to wait the old man out and snapped, "Well, what did you want? Or, were you worried that the Death Eaters were sacrificing little children in the dungeons trying to resurrect the Dark Lord?"

Lucius snickered at this and said, "Well if they want virgin sacrifices that leaves out all the Slytherins. Except maybe a few first years, but that should be taken care of by summer vacation."

Severus hid his head in mock shame, "Oh the shame of it. And I keep telling them to be so discreet. I simply can not figure out how the school governors found out."

"Severus, Severus! I merely wanted to tell you that Harry and Draco were found down in the kitchens acting slightly disoriented. When I finally got to speak to them I found that they had been dueling or some such nonsense."

Lucius perked up at the mention of dueling. "Did they have fun? Any good hexes? Did Draco finally get to try out that cutting hex I taught him for filleting salmon? I never did use that one on anyone and I'd like to see what happens."

Severus shook his head and hissed, "TMI! I did not need to know that."

Albus merely chuckled. "I removed an OBLITERATE from both of them. They both became quite ill as they told me what happened. I re-obliterated them so that they would not suffer any undue trauma."

Lucius sat his cross stitch aside. "You have my undivided attention, old man. Please tell me what happened to my heir that was so traumatizing."

Albus asked, "Severus, may I come through?"

"You may. I want to hear what has happened to Harry this time. It is amazing that the boy has managed to stay sane."

Albus came through and conjured himself a chair to sit in front of the fire also. The sight of his knitting needles flashing through some banana berry wool (featured by Red Heart)tm was a calming sight as he thought of where to pick up his tale regarding the boys.

Harry and Draco had made their way out to Greenhouse #4 to get some fresh clipping for a potion that Draco was teaching Harry how to brew. They had managed to get in the greenhouse, find the plant, collect the clippings, and were on their way back out when they heard a noise coming from Professor Sprout's office.

The boys had gone to investigate the noise since it was dinner time and Professor Sprout almost always ate dinner in the Great Hall. They were worried that someone was trying to vandalize her office. Albus twinkled merrily as he said, "They found Professor Sprout and Professor Flintwick in a compromising position.

What little color stained Severus Snape's face faded. He literally shrieked, "Vandalized Hell! Those poor little boys have been VIOLATED!" Turning his evil Death Eater glare on Albus he hissed, "You probably broke the obliviate on them because you are a nasty old perv!"

"Severus! That was not nice and you know it!" The demonic glare did not leave Severus face. "Nice, you want NICE? If you really want nice GO LIVE IN AN ORPHANAGE!" Glaring at Dumbledore did not help any so he threw down his knitting and heaved a frustrated sigh. Looking over at Lucius he asked, "I don't suppose you would like to play jump rope would you?"

Dumbledore chirped, "You would not happen to need a third person to help turn the rope would you? It has been several days since I got to play jump rope and it is ever so invigorating."

The younger wizards were still in a huff but they let him join in.

After they finished jumping rope Lucius could be heard asking, "Sev, do you sitll have those halloween costumes you and Lily used to make?"


End file.
